


all you had to do was stay

by takingbackmylife



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: F/F, they're both obsessed with each other and i for one think that they should kiss!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:00:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26831803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/takingbackmylife/pseuds/takingbackmylife
Summary: Five times Judy stayed and one time she didn’t.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 25
Kudos: 100





	all you had to do was stay

**Author's Note:**

> title from “All You Had To Do Was Stay” by Taylor Swift. perhaps one day i will write about these two prompted by something other than a t-swift lyric, but today is not that day. enjoy! xo

_1_ -

The Wicked Witch of the West was coming over for dinner, and Jen’s stress levels were already through the roof. For the sake of her boys, she knew she had to keep Lorna at least somewhat in the picture - Lorna may be a massive cunt, but she loved her grandsons, and she knew deep down that Charlie and Henry would be better off having Lorna in their lives than not.

But that didn’t mean she was going to be, like, _ecstatic_ about it. 

Judy suddenly came up behind her from where she was sitting at the kitchen island, interrupting her aimless scrolling through recipe options that would convince Lorna she at least knew how to adequately feed her children. Which wasn’t exactly true given her past experience in the kitchen, but whatever.

“Penny for your thoughts? You seem tense.”

Judy’s breath tickled the hair by her ear, making her jump a bit, both because of Judy startling her and because whenever Judy was close, she felt weird tingly shit that she was certainly not going to be looking into any further. 

“Yeah, well, I’m trying to figure out if I know how the fuck to poach fish.”

Frustrated, Jen set her glasses down on the counter just as Judy began massaging her shoulders, feeling herself instantly relax a bit under Judy’s fingers. _Gross_.

“Why don’t you just let me whip something up? I can just run to the store quick-”

“I am _not_ making you cook for the she-devil.”

Judy laughed as she continued working through the knots in Jen’s shoulders, Jen’s head automatically leaning back as Judy worked a particularly tight spot. 

“Jesus, Jude.”

“Ooooh, you like that, don’t you?”

“Shut up and don’t you dare stop.”

“You better ask me out on a date if you’re going to talk to me like that, Harding.”

“Funny.”

Their banter was suddenly interrupted by Jen’s phone buzzing. She groaned as she read the display name.  
  
“Fuck me.”

“When? Now?”

Jen rolled her eyes as she hit the “answer” button on her phone, putting it on speaker so she could keep the phone on the table instead of bringing it up to her ear, because she certainly wasn’t going to let fucking Lorna ruin her impromptu massage. 

“Hi, Lorna.”

“Jennifer, I’ve just finished baking dessert for tonight. It took me hours, mind you, but I wanted to let you know what I made in case you wanted to plan a meal that would pair nicely with it. I assume you haven’t yet begun preparing dinner for tonight, yes?”

Jen rolled her eyes. Lorna’s passive aggressiveness made Jen’s own passive aggressive tendencies seem like child’s play.

“I’m making fish.”

“Fish? Are you sure you can handle that? You know, fish has to be cooked _just_ -”

“Yeah, it’s under control. What’s for dessert?”

“Cinnamon nutmeg blondies. Made from scratch, obviously. I saw it in this month’s _Good Housekeeping_ , and I-”

Suddenly Judy was speaking from behind Jen, and Jen silently cursed. She just knew Judy was about to say how _delicious_ they sounded, or how she was _sooooo_ looking forward to trying them, or some other too-nice bullshit, because what the fuck even was a cinnamon nutmeg blondie?

“Hi Lorna! Those sound delicious. I know Henry doesn’t like cinnamon, so maybe I could whip up another dessert to go with it? I’m thinking a lemon cream pie.”

“I beg your pardon?”

_Ah, shit._

“Um, a lemon cream pie. It’s better than it sounds, I swear-”

“First of all, I think I know what my grandson does and _doesn’t_ like better than _you_ do, thank you. Secondly, Jennifer said this was going to be a _family_ dinner.”

Judy’s hands suddenly stopped their massaging of Jen’s shoulders, and Jen instantly felt her blood boil and mentally took back every thought she’d just had about how welcoming Lorna into her home was a good thing.

“Lorna, first of all, Henry’s aversion to cinnamon is a relatively new thing, so just relax. Second of all, Judy is family, so yes, she will be joining us for _family dinner._ In case you forgot, she literally owns half of this house.”

“No Jennifer, I certainly did not _forget_ that you let that woman buy her way into my Ted’s home.”

“Great, well I really need to start getting dinner ready, so I’m going to hang up now. _Judy and I_ are looking forward to your cinnamon blondie thingies. Bye, Lorna.”

After jabbing the “end” button, Jen squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, procrastinating turning around and seeing the hurt that she knew she would find on Judy’s face.

“Jen, oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, I figured you had discussed with Lorna-”

Jen whipped around. “Hey, hey, she’s the one that’s being a cunt. Don’t apologize.”

“I’m going to make the pie quick, because I don’t want Henry to be sad if there’s no dessert he likes, but the second it’s done I will get out of your hair for the night.”

Jen grabbed Judy’s wrist to stop her from her common habit of baking things to mask her feelings. She wasn’t going to let Lorna of all people make Judy feel like shit.

“Judes, after everything, you _know_ you are a part of this family. I certainly want you at dinner more than I want fucking Lorna there. So just...stay, okay? If Lorna is rude to you tonight I will literally punch her in the face.”

Judy giggled, and Jen could see tears welling in her eyes, which ironically meant she had said exactly the right thing, because Judy had a lot of different versions of crying, but she knew this was the happy version.

“Alright. As long as you’re sure.”

“I think you can safely assume that I always want you here. So stop worrying that I don’t, alright?”

Jen accentuated her point by squeezing Judy’s hand, just because, before putting her glasses back on and resuming her google search of “how to poach fish without fucking it up” as Judy hugged her quickly from behind before gathering the ingredients for the pie. And if Jen grinned really fucking wide while Judy was facing the other way, that was her business.

_  
__2_ -

_They are eating out of the palm of my fucking hand._

Jen had to admit, she had kind of been killing it lately. Work-wise, at least. She had gotten in with a wealthy couple that owned tons of property in Laguna and were looking to expand their investments even more, and they had referred her to all their rich asshole friends, and as nauseating as they were, she was making killer commission. 

She was currently showing a place to one of the rich snobby couples she had been referred to. It was a huge water-front property that reminded her of Steve’s - _may his soul rest in eternal hell_ \- and she was putting on an excellent show of giving a fuck about open concepts and bars for entertaining and jacuzzi jets, and they were eating it right up.

After an hour of showing them one boring monochrome room after another, they were ready to fill out paperwork. _Fuck yeah, maybe Judy and I can finally go on that damn vacation._

After filling out a mountain of paperwork, Jen was relieved to finally be walking to her car, immediately pulling out her phone to call Judy and tell her the good news.

Her stomach immediately dropped when she saw 4 missed calls and 23 missed texts from Judy.

She knew Judy had been with the boys earlier that day, but she was leaving around noon for an interview for a promotion at the nursing home, and the boys were going to be home alone for a couple hours while Jen was showing the house, and _fuck_ she _knew_ she should have seen if Lorna could look after them. 

She was calling Judy back before even reading any of the texts, too sick to her stomach to even be able to process words on a screen right now.

“Jen! Hi-”

“Judy, fuck, what’s wrong?”

“Did you get my texts?”

“Yes, I mean, no, not really, just- what happened? Are you okay? The boys?”

“It’s Henry, _don’t freak out_ , he’s totally okay...I mean, not _totally_ , but mostly fine! It was really not a big deal, I’m sorry to freak you out with so many texts, I just felt like I should keep you updated…”

Jen let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding, and suddenly sobs were coming out, and she was too worried still to try and subside them, she needed Judy to just spit it out.

“Judy, please, what happened?”

“Charlie and Henry were playing soccer in the backyard, I used some of my art equipment to make fake goal posts, Henry was so excited, I think we should really sign him up for soccer-”

“ _Judy._ ”

“Right, yeah, sorry. Henry tripped over the ball and landed on his arm weird, I think his wrist is sprained, we’re at the Urgent Care now just waiting for the x-ray results, but he’s totally okay Jen, I swear. We had some tears before but he’s being _so_ brave, right Hen?”

Jen could picture Judy ruffling Henry’s hair right now, him probably clinging to her, clinging to the woman who he had viewed as a second parent practically the day they met. Her tears continued falling in a confusing mix of relief and guilt; relief that Henry was okay, guilt that she silenced her phone for the sake of those rich fucking assholes, guilt that Judy was at the doctor with her son and she was in the driveway of some ugly McMansion.

Jen tried to get her shit together, wiping her tears on the sleeve of her blazer and turning the key in the ignition. “I’ll be there in 20 minutes.”

…

Later that night, after copious amounts of ice cream, after Henry finally found a position he was comfortable sleeping in with his sling on, after Jen had downed three glasses of wine, she was sitting on the outdoor couch with Judy, the two of them wrapped up in a blanket as they flipped through channels, neither of them actually having the energy to to really _watch_ something after their day.

Jen set her glass down on the coffee table, reaching over to rest her hand on Judy’s blanket-covered thigh. “With all the craziness today, I don’t think I ever properly thanked you for everything. Thank you for being with Henry, and for taking him to the doctor, and as usual, for being the superior parent.”

Judy placed her hand atop Jen’s, lightly squeezing her fingers. “You are the best mom. I will not sit idly by while you imply otherwise.”

Jen rolled her eyes. “Yeah yeah, whatever. But seriously...thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Judy smiled at her, one of those megawatt ones that made Jen feel almost high, but then a realization suddenly pulled her out of her artificial buzz.

“Fuck, I totally forgot about your interview today!”

Judy just shrugged. “I texted Samantha and told her there was a family emergency, it was no big deal.”

“Ah Jude, I feel bad. You spent hours last night prepping for it. Why didn’t you remind me? You could have left as soon as I got to the Urgent Care and probably been almost on time for it. Or hell, you could’ve just called Lorna in the first place to have her take Henry to the doctor.”

Judy looked genuinely shocked at Jen’s words, staring back at her as if she had just told her that the sky was green or that Entenmann’s cookies (the little ones) didn’t taste good.

“Nothing could make me leave those boys when they’re in pain, or sad, or upset.”

The earnestness and sincerity in her voice made Jen’s breath hitch. It wasn’t like Judy loving Charlie and Henry was new information, but the way Judy, the bearer of so much of her own pain, was so willing to shoulder other people’s, to make it her duty to make others feel better all the fucking time - it hit Jen like a truck sometimes how fucking _good_ she was. 

In a rare moment of sentimentality, Jen lifted Judy’s hands to her lips, placing a featherlight kiss to her knuckles. Judy’s eyes widened in surprise, and maybe in something else that Jen wasn’t quite ready to name yet, as she was fully prepared to blame both her affectionate gesture and Judy’s response on the near-empty bottle of wine in front of them.

“Thank you for loving them.”

 _  
__3_ -

She never understood the hype surrounding birthdays. 

Age was so arbitrary, and was practically just a marketing ploy to sell aging women shit they don’t need, so no, she didn’t really understand the fuss. Congratulations to the women who could look at their wrinkles in the mirror and feel empowered, but Jen just felt back pain, and neck pain, and hip pain, and she wasn’t particularly interested in celebrating that, thank you very much.

Considering her stance on birthdays, it was really pissing her off that she was currently lying on her bed crying her fucking eyes out, a photo of her and her mom clutched in her hands.

She would’ve been 75 today. Jen hadn’t even thought about the date until Wednesday night when Judy had asked her if she wanted to try a new sushi place with her that Saturday, and she opened the day on her calendar to check if she had any showings, and she was suddenly staring at her mom’s birthday in the face, making her feel simultaneously guilty for not remembering and pissed off that she even cared at all.

She had been going to semi-regular meetings with Pastor Wayne’s grief group for the past few months, and she had even started going to therapy (her and Judy _both_ had, lord knows they both needed it). Both Pastor Wayne and her therapist had been encouraging her to stop hiding her mother’s grief in the corners of her mind, which like, okay, she gets why it’s important to let herself _feel_ the grief, but it was fucking inconvenient sometimes.

Jen suddenly started furiously wiping her eyes as she heard Judy’s footsteps padding down the hallway towards her room. _Shit._ Judy had already said goodnight to her and the boys and retreated to the guest house, so she had thought she was in the clear to grieve in shameful peace.

She was okay letting herself _feel_ grief now, but letting other people _see_ it wasn’t exactly a walk in the park for her yet.

Her bedroom door creaked open and Judy peeked inside. “Knock, knock.”

“I don’t know how effective saying “knock, knock” is after _not_ knocking.”

Judy just smiled sadly at her. “You’re crying.”

“Well aren’t you perceptive.”

There was an unintentional edge to her voice that had Judy averting her gaze and staring at the floor. Jen squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and heard her therapist’s voice in her head telling her to be more receptive and less _annoyed_ when people are trying to care about her.

Jen patted the spot next to her on the bed. “You’re free to sit, but I may not be the best company right now.”

Judy smiled softly at her, a silent _thank you_ in her eyes as she made her way to the other side of the bed and sat down, crossing her legs as she looked at the framed photo Jen was holding, which Jen had turned over so Judy couldn’t see the contents.

“Can I ask what you’re holding?”

Jen sheepishly turned it over, revealing to Judy a photo of her, around age 8 or 9, painting pumpkins with her mom.

“Oh my gosh, is that _you?!_ You were so adorable.”

“Yup. I had pigtails and everything.”

Judy ran her fingers reverently over the photo. “Is that your mom?”

“Yeah.”

“She was really beautiful. I see where you get it from.”

Jen snorted and rolled her eyes. “Are you really flirting with me while I cry over my dead mother?”

“Guilty.”

Jen smiled, probably her first real smile all day. “Today is her birthday. She would’ve been 75, or whatever. And it’s just so weird to think about. That I’m older now than she ever got to be.”

Her voice cracked as she finished speaking, and she saw Judy’s eyes well up with tears. 

“Oh, _Jen_. I’m so sorry.” 

Jen shook her head. “Don’t. It’s okay, really. I didn’t want to make this, like, a thing. That’s why I waited until everyone went to bed to turn into...this.”

Judy reached for her hand that wasn’t holding the photo, bringing it up to her face and resting her cheek against Jen’s palm. It was somehow simultaneously more intimate than their usual hand-holding and also no more intimate than they were pretty much every damn day.

“I wish you didn’t feel like you have to hide your pain. I wish you’d let me be here for you.”

“Well, you’re here right now, aren’t you?”

Judy looked into her eyes, and Jen just stared straight back, not moving a muscle. This was one of those moments where she felt like Judy was really _seeing_ her, despite her best intentions to hide the worst parts of herself. Somehow, Judy could always still see through her walls, with magic eyes that weren’t a match for her invisible strongholds.

Judy’s face began inching towards hers, Jen’s hand still on Judy’s cheek, and Jen held her breath, trying to convince herself that she had absolutely no idea what was about to happen right now even though she was pretty sure she did know, pretty sure it was something she had seen in her dreams occasionally, and okay, fine, maybe she saw it in her head when she was _awake_ too, but just like, once or twice _at most-_

Judy’s head suddenly angled away from her lips as she pressed a chaste kiss to her cheek, lingering for a moment as Jen let out the breath she’d been holding.

Judy leaned away again, but still kept Jen’s hand resting against her cheek. “Yeah, I’m here, Jen.”

Jen blinked back at her, trying to reconcile the grief and excitement and disappointment that were all swirling around inside of her, making her feel lightheaded. 

“Do you...um...do you want to just sleep up here? Just if you don’t feel like walking all the way back out to the guest house. I know it’s late…”

Judy looked momentarily shocked, but she recovered quickly as she smiled at her, nodding. “Yeah, sure. Wouldn’t want to risk going back outside in the dark, the monsters could get me.” 

“Exactly.”

Judy released her hand as Jen leaned over to put the photograph back in her nightstand drawer, switching off the lamp as she felt Judy get under the covers beside her.

Jen rolled over so she was facing Judy, and they were both just _staring_ at each other while Jen thought about how she could still feel the sensation of Judy’s lips against her cheek. She really had not thought this situation through. 

Jen cleared her throat and tried to think of something to break the silent tension. “Hey, what made you come back up here anyway? I thought you had gone to bed.”

Judy smiled sheepishly at her. “I could tell something was bothering you today. I wanted to make sure you were okay. I could feel your gloomy energy all the way from the guest house.”

Jen rolled her eyes, despite feeling her heart rate increase. “You so could _not.”_

Judy grinned wolfishly at her. “I’m very in tune with your aura, Jen.”

Judy yawned a few moments later, and Jen said goodnight to her before turning around, not trusting her own impulses if she continued staring at Judy’s face that was mere inches from her in the dark. The darkness gave her too much hope, sometimes.

The next morning, they didn’t talk about Jen not being able to face her while they slept next to each other.

They also didn’t talk about Judy’s arm slung over Jen’s body the entire night, or the small circles she traced on her hip, or the featherlight kiss she pressed to the back of Jen’s scalp when she thought she was asleep.

_4_ \- 

A few weeks later, they’re at some new farmer’s market that Judy had been dying to go to, going on and on about some type of tomato that was currently in season that she just had to have.

Jen pretended to be annoyed about waking up stupid early on a Sunday to go with her, but really she thought it was kind of cute that Judy was so excited about tomatoes, and it made her feel...something, that Judy wanted so badly for her to tag along.

 _Shit, I’m supposed to be naming my feelings now. Happy, okay? I’m fucking_ happy _that she wanted me to come with her._

Jen had started talking about Judy more in therapy (especially since the night Judy had stayed in her bed and she had the best fucking night’s sleep of her life), and her therapist had been emphasizing how she needed to start “naming her feelings” and being honest with herself about how anytime she let herself be vulnerable around Judy, she felt better. Which led to them discussing how anytime she was merely _around_ Judy, she felt better. Which led to her therapist questioning the nature of their relationship (as if Jen wasn’t confused as hell herself). 

She told her therapist about how Judy had spent the night in her bed, _platonically_ , and she swear she saw her smirk before regaining her composure. 

But now Judy was back to sleeping in the guest house, and Jen was back to thinking about her every night as she tossed and turned.

 _“Jeeeen,_ over here!”

Judy was a few yards ahead of her, excitedly pointing at a crate filled to the brim with tomatoes.

“Please tell me you are not buying this entire crate.”

“If they didn’t go bad so quickly, you know I would. I just need enough for this sauce I want to make for you and the boys.”

“Are you gracing us with this new sauce for dinner tonight?”

Judy suddenly put the tomato she had been practically feeling up back into the crate, and looked nervously over at Jen. 

“I’m actually not going to be home tonight.”

“Oh, lame. Did you pick up a shift at work or something?”

“Um, I kind of....have a date?”

 _Fuck._

“...oh. Well, that’s great, Jude.”

Judy looked almost disappointed at her response for a moment, her mouth turned downwards, but it was quickly replaced with a smile as she told her about how one of the residents at work had been adamant for weeks about setting Judy up with her son, and she felt bad saying no every time, so she decided she should at least let him take her to dinner.

“I just figured it has been forever since I’ve gone on a date, and the worst thing that happens is I get a good meal out of it, you know?”

_I would take you out to dinner every night of the week if that’s what you wanted._

“Yup. So, how many of these tomatoes are we buying?”

…

Later that night, Jen is sitting alone on the outdoor couch, watching _Chopped_ and thinking about how much more fun it was when Judy was next to her cheering on the contestants and telling Jen how she would use a different spice ratio, or a different type of glaze, or whatever.

She goes to pour another glass of wine and realizes the bottle is empty, so she heads inside to grab another, and nearly drops her wine glass when she sees Judy digging around in the pantry for something.

“Jesus fuck, Judy. I thought you had left for your date.”

Judy turns around, arms full of the tomatoes they’d bought that morning. “I did.”

“Wasn’t that, like...twenty minutes ago? It couldn’t have been _that_ bad."

Judy laughed, “No, no, I bailed on him. Don’t worry, I texted and apologized.”

“Oh thanks, I was so worried.”

Judy nodded seriously, as if Jen _actually_ gave a shit if she apologized to the mother fucker who thought he could take Judy out when she had a perfectly good platonic friend at home who was too chicken shit to ask her out herself.

“So... _why_ did you cancel?”

Judy shrugged as she began chopping up the tomatoes, her tongue between her teeth as she focused on cutting even slices.

“I just….decided I’d rather be here. With you. And Henry and Charlie, too. Plus, I told him I was a vegetarian and he acted like it was _such_ an inconvenience to find a restaurant with vegetarian options.”

“What a fucking douche. There’s probably more vegetarian restaurants in Laguna than not.”

“Right?!”

Jen smiled at her - a full-blown smile - too deliriously happy that she wasn’t going to have to go to bed that night thinking about a man flirting with Judy, kissing her, touching her…

“So, you need help with this sauce?”

“Grab an apron, Harding. I’m putting you to work.”

_5_ -

Judy hardly spent any time in the guest house anymore. In the mornings, she was always in the kitchen before Jen woke up to start breakfast, and at night, she would watch TV with Jen (either laying next to her in bed, or outdoors on the patio) until one of them started yawning, and then Judy would make her way to the guest house.

But other than to sleep, Judy was always in the house. In their home.

So when Jen came downstairs one morning and didn’t find Judy sipping a cup of tea while she cooked breakfast, she found it a little odd, but figured Judy had finally awarded herself the luxury of sleeping in. 

After she saw the kids off to school, she sent Judy a quick text. Just to check on her. _God, I’m getting clingy._

**Hey sleepyhead, you want me to attempt to make breakfast for us? My first meeting isn’t until noon.**

She waited to see the bubbles signifying that Judy was typing, but they never came. _Must still be sleeping_. 

She busied herself prepping for her client meetings that week, and doing a load of laundry, and she even _vacuumed_ for god’s sake. Still no response.

A little after 11, Jen decided to go check on her. She had really tried to hold out so it didn’t seem like she couldn’t spend _one_ goddamn morning without her, but at this point she was actually getting a little worried.

Jen knocked on the guest room door, “Hey, Jude, you alive in there? I just wanted to check on you before I leave for my meeting.”

There was a beat of silence before Judy’s muffled voice came from the other side of the door, “Yeah, I’m sorry, I’m just feeling a little under the weather!”

Jen was no fool. Even through the door, she could tell that Judy had been crying, her voice shaky and missing its usual chipperness. 

Jen pushed the door open to find Judy sitting up in her bed, tissues strewn about all around her.

“Judy, what the fuck? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, nothing. I’m just having a day. Hormones, maybe.”

Jen walked over to hear, brushing a piece of hair that was damp with tears out of Judy’s face. “Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve brought you some chocolate or something. Hell, I could’ve pregamed my meeting with a glass of wine.”

“I really just wanted to be alone.”

Jen removed her hand from Judy’s face as if she’d been slapped, the harshness of Judy’s tone shocking her. “What’s going on with you?”

“I just want to stay in here today, okay? Am I _allowed_ to do that?”

Jen narrowed her eyes. “Where the fuck is this coming from?”

“Well I’m not _allowed_ to go on a date, so I just wanted to check what else I’m not allowed to do.”

“When the _fuck_ did I say you couldn’t go on a date?!”

Judy reached for another tissue, angrily dabbing at her eyes. “Just forget it, okay? I really, really need to be alone right now. Please.” 

“Fine.”

Jen turned on her heel and walked out of the guest house, probably closing the door harder than was necessary. She made it to the patio doors before the tears started falling.

She went inside, fixed her makeup, went to her meetings, and picked the boys up from school. She made them dinner, helped Henry with his homework, washed her hair, channel surfed for an hour, and debated texting Judy approximately 50 times.

Judy stayed in the guest house all day. 

_+1_ -

The next morning, Jen wakes up and immediately texts Judy.

**You up? Can we talk?**

She’d been fucking miserable all day yesterday, and she knew it was her fault. She didn’t know what exactly she had done to piss Judy off so much, to make her _cry_ , but she could feel it in her bones that it was something she’d done.

She’d been trying so hard to be better. To not lash out as much. To let people in. To let _Judy_ in. And of course she had somehow found a way to fuck it up.

Her phone finally buzzed with a reply. **Yeah, I’m up. Where are you?**

**Still in bed.**

**Meet you in the kitchen?**

**Just come up to my room. I’m not ready to get up yet.**

She sent a follow-up text consisting of the sleeping emoji to downplay the invitation to her room (to her bed?) a bit. Like she was a 15-year-old scared that her crush was going to find out she liked them. Which she supposed wasn’t entirely inaccurate.

A few minutes later, Judy knocked on her door, coming in without waiting for any sort of response and sitting at the end of Jen’s bed. 

A beat of silence, and then: “I can’t keep doing this.”

Jen’s eyes snapped up to meet hers. She made every effort to keep her voice even, to not let on to Judy how scared she was right now that she had once again irrevocably broken something between them. “What, Jude? Just tell me what I did, please.”

“I think it’s more what you didn’t do.”

“Judy, I’m sorry, I’m not following.”

Judy sighed in frustration. “You didn’t want me to go on that date.”

“I never said that.”

Judy laughed, but it in a way that Jen knew meant she didn’t actually find it funny. “Exactly, Jen. But you _looked_ at me like I'd just broken your heart.”

Jen swallowed and began ringing her hands together. She felt hot all of a sudden, and she knew that Judy was bringing up dangerous territory, was probably edging her towards a precipice that she had been _trying_ to responsibly figure out how to get herself off of, and here Judy was just fucking shoving her off the edge.

“I don’t...I don’t know if I can have this conversation right now.” _You are such a coward._

“You’re the one who said you wanted to talk.”

There was a bite to Judy’s tone that Jen wasn’t used to, and she cursed herself for letting it bother her when this must be how people felt around Jen all the time. Who was she of all people to be so sensitive to someone’s anger?

Judy suddenly spoke again, the harshness in her earlier tone almost completely gone, instead replaced by a quiet vulnerability, “Do you think you’ll ever be ready to talk, Jen?”

“I’m _trying_ Jude, okay? I swear I’m fucking trying.”

“I can’t keep being in this house all the time pretending I’m not in love with you. I’ve been doing it for months and I’m drowning.”

Jen mentally waves to the precipice that is now high above her as she free falls towards god knows what. Her protective instincts kick in and her mouth is forming words before her brain has had a chance to intervene, “Maybe we should stay away from each other for a couple days.”

Judy laughs, another bitter one that pierces Jen’s chest. “Jesus christ Jen, I’m not going to jump you.”

“Come on Judy, I don’t mean it like that, but I can’t fucking _think_ when I’m around you.”

Judy looked down at her hands, speaking quietly. “You don’t actually want me to stay away from you. I _know_ you don’t. I know I’m not crazy, Jen. I know there’s something here, if you’ll let it happen.” 

“How can you be so sure?”

Judy suddenly looked up, her eyes boring into Jen’s, a blazing heat evident. “I spent my whole life with people who didn’t want me around. I know what it feels like. And this...it feels like the complete opposite.”

 _Fuck._

“Judy, no matter how much of an asshole I’m being, no matter how much I try and hide it, I always, _always_ want you here. Probably more than I should.”

“Maybe you want me here just the right amount. Maybe you deserve to want me to stay, Jen. Maybe we both deserve that.”

Jen tried to swallow the tears that she knew were about to fall, tried to regain some sense of dignity while Judy read her like a fucking picture book. 

She looked down and spoke to her lap, to the comforter that was still draped over her, in a voice so quiet she wasn’t sure Judy would even be able to hear, “I’m scared.”

She kept her head bowed as she felt the bed shift, Judy climbing towards the spot next to her, tentatively reaching out and clasping Jen’s hands, squeezing once, then twice.

“I am too. But I think this could be good. And I’m tired of settling, Jen. I want to be the person who knows what she wants and takes it without apologizing.” 

Jen looked up from her lap, a single tear rolling down her cheek as she finally looked at Judy, who was smiling at her so genuinely and unabashedly it gave Jen the confidence she needed to stop fighting the free fall, to just let herself drift.

“So take it.”

Judy kissed her, her hands moving to either side of Jen’s face, pulling Jen into her, one hand leaving her cheek to rest at the base of her neck, forcing their lips even closer together, Judy’s tongue darting out to lap at Jen’s bottom lip as she took it between her teeth, taking, taking, taking. 

And yeah, Jen was still scared. Scared she would fuck things up sometimes, scared she would upset Judy sometimes, scared she wouldn’t always know the right thing to say.

But maybe this was going to be the difference between being with Judy and being with Ted. With Ted, she was always so _angry_. And while she’d certainly been angry with Judy before, been downright furious, for the past few months all of that anger had dissipated and was just replaced by fear - fear that she would lose her, fear that she would leave, fear that she would realize this life with her wasn’t what she really wanted.

But if they were _together_ , if they held hands as they fell, then what was left to be afraid of?

So Jen kissed her back with everything she was worth, poured everything she wanted to say to Judy right now into a hand caressing her waist, into soft bites on her neck, into hands ghosting over her breasts, into a hand at the base of a zipper, a silent question.

Judy must have heard her silent love confessions, because she was nodding, and Jen was pulling her skirt down, rolling on top of her, pushing her hands under her shirt and over her nipples, falling a little bit in love with the sound Judy made when she did.

As she thumbed her nipples, she leaned down towards Judy’s ear, whispering “I’m in love with you too, if that wasn’t clear.”

Judy never stayed in the guest house again.

**Author's Note:**

> *christina voice* please let me know what you thought…..um…..that’s desperate…..let me know what you thought if you feel like it


End file.
